The first stage mindset of families is what one might call “Entangled”. Typically a family in this stage has a strong figure who holds the family together and ensures that it is moving forward. Often this person is a first generation wealth creator. People in the family often define themselves – either by identification or differentiation – in relationship to this powerful figure. This situation can actually be quite positive in building strong, capable people if handled wisely, but it can also be very destructive to long-term individuation and the independent success of the members of the family. Often this central person defines values and serves to focus the energy and efforts of the family. The danger, of course, is that when this person is gone, the family has lost its “glue”. Often families that have not transcended this mindset fall apart when the last of the powerful matriarchs or patriarchs passes on.
When this stage is not handled well by the family leaders, the family can be characterized by significant dysfunction. These families often are dealing with issues of addiction, entitlement, endless drama cycles, and games of power and control. In the end, these families fail at rudimentary levels and the wreckage of human capital is simply too great to overcome. The wealth cannot be replenished and the skills to even sustain it are missing. The failure of the family to create successful, well-adjusted and independent children dooms its chances for success early on.
Moving into higher gears is essential to longer term family success. About half of the families that are entangeld simply cannot be helped – the damage to family culture is too great to salvage by ordinary mortals. The best work to be done for these families occurs in individual therapy for those who are interested and perhaps, for the families who are interested in healing, intensive family therapy. That said, many families that are entangled, and particularly those with well-intentioned family leaders, have a strong enough base to move to the next stage of family development. These families need strong facilitation and frameworks for developing new skill sets.
Questions:
- In looking at your client families that have strong first generation leadership, which do you see as healthy enough to succeed and which are not?
- What are the patterns you see in these two types of families?