The second stage of family development is the individuated or separated family. Typically the separated family is a collection of strong, independent individuals. In these families, the family leaders passed the first test of success by raising children who are autonomous and successful individuals. Most often these families are not in strong reaction to each other. There are the usual sibling issues and idiosyncrasies of family life. There may even be some deeper problems. But the family system is typically robust enough to contain and manage these. While each of the individuals in the family is doing reasonably well, they are often not deeply engaged with each other. Often these families are not geographically close and sometimes they are not emotionally close. Separation may be offset by long-distance communication by phone and forms of virtual communication. Siblings don’t communicate much and cousins are often unknown to each other. The members of these families have sought their own way in the world on paths that make sense for them as individuals. Family gatherings are often infrequent and difficult to arrange.
In one sense reaching this stage is a sign of success and many clients are satisfied with this stage of development. They see that they have done their job as parents in raising strong, independent people and indeed, there is lots of cultural reinforcement for this notion, particularly in the United States where rugged individualism is the pinnacle of success. However, separated families miss rampant opportunities for sustaining this first generational success into successive generations. This kind of collective success over generations can only emerge from closer connections between the family members. In cases where families are successful in moving beyond this stage, the whole can become far more than the sum of its parts. Families that recognize this possibility are ready to move into the third stage of family development.
Questions:
- Do you have clients who have raised or are well on their way to raising, autonomous capable children?
- Among these clients, are there those that feel that their family is too separated and that more could be accomplished for the family as a whole with a bit more togetherness?