Awhile back I was sitting across from a potential client. We had been talking for over an hour. As I listened and asked questions, he had progressively revealed his concerns: he spoke of open conflict in his family, deep worry about the impact of his wealth on his children, overt sibling rivalry, and painful disagreements with his wife over what to do. It was a mess. Under his stoic demeanor, it was clear he was both stuck and suffering. The stakes were high and he was seeking a way out of the quagmire. A heavy silence lay between us. I had come to recognize this point in the conversation and remained quiet. After a bit, he looked up at me and asked “What do other families do?” He was looking for a slender thread of hope.
I have come to call this the “Level 1 question”. It typically takes one of two forms: “what do other families do?” or “what are best practices?” I have learned to answer this question in ways that address the immediate need. I speak of techniques and strategies. But I also know, that if the conversation goes much further, we will soon be entering much deeper territory.
The Consulting Racket
Selling solutions to “Level 1” questions is what most organizational and family consultants do. As a group, we consultants get paid a lot to provide people with assessments and recommend best practices semi-tailored to the specific needs of the client. Some consultants even help clients initially establish these practices. A lot of organizations and families spend a lot of money on this stuff And usually it is for naught.
Why? Because for the most part, this work around “best practices” is a shell game.
The dirty secret of consulting is that what I am calling “Level 1” solutions rarely work. Many of these practices are indeed necessary and they are practices adopted by successful organizations or families. They make sense in theory and they are often the “right” things to do. But, alone, they are not sufficient.
The Real Issue
The problem is that these best practices are being bolted on to human systems that have neither the skill nor motivation to make them function. The expensive reports gather dust, the recommendations fall flat when consensus dissolves, and the shiny new solutions misfire in a morass of miscommunication, lethargy and competing agendas. We have all seen the results of this shell game more times than we care to admit. It produces deep skepticism and mistrust of all things “woo-woo”.
I have come to believe, that in their heart of hearts, clients know that these “Level 1” solutions are too small for the challenges they are trying to address. They know they are being sold a bill of goods.
Core Competencies
The deeper conversation they must enter into has to do with something far more fundamental than simple “best practices”. It has to do with what I call “core competencies”. Few consultants are willing or able to enter into the depths required for that conversation.
Until a human system develops the competencies that it needs to adapt and thrive, none of the best practices will survive that systemic dysfunction. What are these “core competencies”? I define them as those skills based on 1) capacity and 2) capability that are necessary for a human system (such as a family) to thrive. These skills are basic – they have to do with communication and trust, values and agreements, respect and compassion. However, in many systems – especially in many financially successful families — the patterns that exist are inimical to the development of these competencies.
The Way Out
The way out is actually quite straightforward. It involves the creation of a series of “containers” that allow the family to incrementally learn these competencies together. These “containers” serve to gather the family and hold the capacity on behalf of the family that it cannot yet hold for itself. The containers are specifically designed to increase the family’s capability and capacity to confront and address its key challenges. By practicing these competencies in these structured containers, the family methodically gains the skills it needs to not only adapt to an uncertain future, but learn to thrive in that future.
While the way out is straightforward, there is little that is simple about it. The actual design of these gatherings is an art and the facilitation of these meetings is demanding. The containers must meet a number of conflicting criteria: they must be pragmatic, but inspirational; safe, but real; rational, but vulnerable; immersive, but strategic. In short, the gatherings must reflect the emotional and intellectual complexity of the family but do so in a way that allows the family to find a path to an authentic clarity beyond that complexity. Designing and facilitating such gatherings is not easy work.
It is only when client families start asking this level 2 question – what are the core competencies we must develop together to thrive — that real progress can be made. What successful families “do” has less to do with the best practices they have adopted (indeed these vary dramatically), than it has to do with the core competencies that they have made integral parts of their family culture.
Questions:
1. What do you see as the core competencies that families need to develop to create sustainable wealth?
2. How do families learn these competencies?
— January 2, 2013