Recurring communication patterns are common in most families. These patterns, which we might call “scripts”, are triggered by particular events or circumstances. When a specific kind of contextual cue arises, the script begins to play itself out with family members quickly falling into preset, highly defined roles. The ensuing conversations are familiar to the family members as they move towards quite predictable outcomes. Sometimes these scripts are benign rituals, but often they can be destructive.
A common example of a maladaptive script is found in the classic drama triangle. In this script, one family member (the “persecutor”) will attack another family member (the “victim”) over some persistent fault or shortcoming. A third family member will step in to restore the peace (the “rescuer”). The roles in the drama triangle often shift with the person who was the victim in the first act of the drama gaining the upper hand and becoming the persecutor in the second act. Alternatively, someone turns on the rescuer who then becomes the new victim to be rescued by the third participant. Each person in this particular play is getting psychic rewards from playing their role and there are often implicit payoffs for the family as a whole as well. When scripts are dysfunctional, the family’s problems often escalate. In cases of severe dysfunction, these scripts devastate individuals and families. Dysfunctional scripts cause significant problems for the family and deeply undermine its capacity for long term success by spawning family mistrust, resentment, longstanding feuds and even litigation.
Changing these scripts is often a matter of calling attention to the script being played out and then breaking the script’s pattern through creating new roles, challenging assumptions, creating new family narratives, and helping one or more individuals refuse to play thereby ending the play. Once the script unwinds, real communication can begin and the family can make genuine progress towards productive outcomes.
Questions:
- What scripts operate in your own family?
- What scripts do you see playing out in the lives of your client families?